I made the right decision to go to the ER and stop drinking I was lucky to be sent home. Continue to reflect on “risk of harm” to self compared to other types of hold do my best to not be treated as someone with mental health issues who’s presence is offensive. I am aware it’s too late after everything happened but even if you don’t believe in me please don’t be offended by memberships fema research studying or my old resume consider me changed or not who I say I am it’s only at age 38 after lawsuits and meds and diagnosis no one can explain for disability on meds meds are not to blame for writing problems or sense of humor that’s something about me I can take responsibility for interpreting me a cause instead of view my decision making or systems of speaking well to public and emails unreal or not working. I hope that by clarifying what you think I’ve done wrong and doing my best to save everything was a good enough portrayal of what crisis is like, what’s going wrong for others, not be sensitive to what’s going wrong for me grade wise be viewed as punishment after rehab wonder where my confidence went and grades, make anyone think punishment isn’t difficult or think I’ve not struggled or need to struggle to prove to others I’m not an addict, alcoholic, I don’t abuse meds, I have a learning disability, I recovered off day meds, and not punish my tweets 2010-2012, or what’s saved, confuse me opening up for mental illness clear to others or treat me like I should know what’s wrong with me that was my first experience sharing my story like a book saying things I’ve regretted and forgotten or spoke as though I’ve been hurt and maybe the lesson is it doesn’t matter how much you’ve said right the focus will be on what you’ve said wrong or exposed about yourself or others, and that’s how you learn what opening up is like and why the conspiracy as to what I said wrong I’m caps lock that sounded mentally ill, it’s the lesson isn’t whether anyone saw or if I was working sober and in school it’s about at what moment did I not feel well or how I looked like and question why I visited SCOTUS or what was discussed in my notes scanned and saved, this is why doing well doesn’t matter if the issue is punishing me for opening up online, blaming me as though I was sick in public ignore my entire law school experience, and continue to justify being sued 2017, after seeing my resume writings and thesis, as though he punished me for opening up mistreat me as guilty or handing over or in a place someone else had to look make a decision for me, to accuse me of being guilty, by bringing up a poster taken down turned into the Federal Building with my cell phone number and a note, decide to continue to punish me for taking down that poster and memorialize who made the poster fighting me in public insulting my response, and be concerned with calls to Colorado DA when I first recognized an issue discussing the poster taken down, and described my poster bought on pearl street a vintage canvas poster by a French artist who passed away and formerFirst Lady Michelle wore a French designer, doesn’t mean my music or song choice for writing my papers I got As in tipped off anyone to hate film or be concerned with my knowledge of music, is blaming me as attacking anyone or accuse my ideas or perspective or reputation as calling for attack or accuse me of presenting as hurt or disabled miscommunicated to anyone, therefore my website was taken down I believe as punishment for taking down a poster I’m accused as occurring before a mass shooting in Aurora, and to continue to investigate why I’m not an attorney or couldn’t finish law school after flying to DC and visiting SCOTUS, it’s not me who fails to disclose or notice issues or punished publicly for removing a poster a Barack, it’s about addiction as it relates to Health Ledger and to not make everyone’s peace about me being on too many meds, or accuse me being something wrong happening period that should tell me what’s my fault or what’s offensive, I think in defense of Health Ledger you are analyzing Joaquin Phoenix’s success as based on me being offensive to use his success drive motivation as being about him being strong and consider my story pathetic or unrelateable accuse me of fraud or non disclosure I think I’ve done my best, it’s clear there’s nothing I can do to illustrate the past or how things were if I’m worse off or disabled now and for whatever that communicates in addition to not being connected to anyone not emailing not make fun of system of hard work writing letters to SCOTUS in hopes for things to work out, accuse bad things as occurring from me or to whom I confide in view me as the problem or criticize my aide. So many people believed in me and were inspired by my hard work, sometimes a better system of being trusted and make sure my experiences or traumas in life are used as inspiration or same as a line in a movie, accuse me of knowing how that happens or accuse me of being concerned about why everyone’s doing well and positive overcame a lot in life, or wonder why I’m not smiling proud fit for a photo, at a finish line, is to call me stupid or offended as I am now and obese face changed can’t photo, not let me live life and decide to punish me and take things away from me upon doing well, and not expect me to get hurt or get sick not allowed to work or make fun of me for listening having a serious problem that needs to be disclosed to my boss isn’t about me giving up something I worked hard for it’s about punishing me as not having worked hard enough to deserve to have a job and not respecting my life or witnessed reactions punish my impression in treatment or accuse me of being defensive or insensitive to a loss, I never put together my difficulties and being told “higher level of care” focus on mental health isn’t arguable advice or something I’ve not done for years been treated, it’s about thinking there’s something wrong with me for speaking or contacting a patient cell phone number to check on him accuse me of being the problem disappointment or hard to comprehend issue in the room, is a hurtful interpretation of how I should respond to loss and what should I know is the cause for a loss and accuse me of working hard and not where I should be attending everything to insinuate I was working hard off meds doing my best try to accuse me of not trying hard enough or not being special prefer I experience a mental difficulty that I’m told to sit with plus an Eminem song, is how everyone spoke to the Judge except me they all got to say what they think of me, passed tested, got tired, wrote one email complaining later not a big deal. Please don’t be critical of how I seem off day meds or be concerned why I don’t talk and can’t write and challenged to work off meds doing assignments extremely difficult for me to focus on get done was proud of myself overcoming disability, it hurts for no one to talk to me, and continue to make fun of my peace as not existing with me found in others, and judge me as someone who is lacking things in life other people have, plus being almost 40, make fun of me being tired or making the effort to be social however uncomfortable it was, I was proud of me that was a privilege. So not being able to return to meetings see people I know have friends is about dealing with voices or mental health issues and not involve others, it’s about completing the simple task of attending a meeting, or being gone for so long you lose friends, or relapse, and disappoint.
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The lesson sober or not, while making two lawsuits public and to reinforce treatment care and diagnoses is not just because of “voices” self-harm, it’s not just calling me inappropriate and offensive, it’s about making it clear in public what that means to me if I’m hurt it’s my fault and it’s my fault means I’ve done something wrong and call mental illness as reflecting who I am on the inside misunderstand me as not having a voice of my own interpret me as controlled by voices offending me to establish that I’m dangerous or cannot be trusted or don’t have a heart or set of feelings a good decision maker, isn’t about whether Im ever insulted or bullied is viewed as my fault and view that as communicating what everyone thinks overconcerned with what hurts or offends me or how should I know what is symbolized by sharing a text, it’s clearly about focusing on the time: milkshake thrown at my window, lost money, breakups, job loss, hookups, medication, reactions, ability, punishment, story, lifestyle, it’s about when I’m focused and doing well is when I lose things, it’s about the 3-4 times bullied in the street, make fun of what I look like over focus on what’s said or going to the hospital, is making fun of me losing my head and having to defend myself or walk away simply reporting it isn’t viewed as traumatic to make fun of how I fractured my hand, by accident, continue to disbelieve my story of being bullied and hitting my head and fracturing my hand, and not believing me and to use a timeline as a system for hurting me, or blaming me, then interpret a disclosed problem to a Trump (humor text not interpreted as insult or inspiring more writing no one wants to read accepted as be brief write less improve) so there’s knowing me in the positive is saying she be okay Leslie’s doing well leave her alone versus continuing to observe me expect me to photo or model as though I can afford voices or self harm isn’t something you can just ignore it’s something that hurts and it’s not delusion or punishment for something I’ve done wrong someone else knows and is punishing me for and I’ve not lied or not lived up to expectation or ridicule what it feels like to be told I’m schizophrenic and be disabled and can’t work function get out of bed, accuse me of being offended by a Justice Ginsberg sticker on my therapists computer, she belongs to everyone empowered by her and it was in the moment I truly felt not apart of not on a team not deserving I’m sure my face communicated something to my therapist from a story not told by me on my instagram. Plus a lawsuit and no one talking to me, let’s me know everyone was helped except me, and I’m not apart of what people discuss about me, so to me what the Judge is observing is everything’s okay with everyone except me and if I’m hurt or being punished it’s because there’s something wrong with me that’s my fault and viewed as something I did to myself accuse me of being shocking or scary not recognize that I’m scared or affected by self harm disclosing 6 month goals of no self harm, made fun of like it’s some time passing expected arrival back to normal and that’s not what recording and logging my mental health is about, and I don’t wish to be viewed as a bad example or not a leader or sick and it’s my fault, accuse me of being misleading or not working hard doing my best make fun of my life as it is disabled on meds, it’s my goal to not have to be on meds meds can’t prevent mistakes or correct my thinking of shut my mind off or prevent me from talking I’ve not lied to be prescribed, I’m not high or feeling good or using meds to feel good. On meds accuse me of pretending I don’t fell good ignore I ran everyday at that pace. It’s about accepting my place in life and what’s wrong with me and what mental illness means and to just make sure we are clear on prevention I’m assuming diagnoses means I’m sick it’s my fault I’m offensive I’m the problem or it’s my fault and view diagnosis or life story as admission of what I’ve done wrong accuse me of not doing step work or refusing to admit to what I’ve said or done wrong accuse me of fraud or being used up or devalued a bad sex gender athlete example in life or student, and that’s sad if you make things about my body and my face.
So declaring there’s something wrong with me is blaming me for what’s wrong with me or accusing me of not recognizing what I’ve said wrong or accuse me of being immune disconnected or not concerned what people think, to let the lesson be “there’s something wrong with me means what’s wrong is because there’s something wrong with me” and say telling me there’s something wrong with me is the right diagnosis regardless of how I feel to say what’s wrong with me means something is not right about me to convince others that if something is not right or of something is wrong accuse me of being a host or spreader or contagious or at fault and punish me for definition changes to schizophrenia and being used as the worst example of mental illness the 1% of all people with mental health issues given a rare disease with no cure convincing me and others I’m sick and accuse my interpretation as not what was said to me have there be something about me to disclose to everyone to see if there’s something wrong with me that means I don’t belong and if I am someone who doesn’t belong it doesn’t stay sober or proper not care about the consequence of labeling me as offensive convincing me I’m sick or non compliant continue to punish me as though there’s something wrong with me and it’s my fault what could go wrong with me is an emergency for everyone else something I’m punished for, to lead us up to today which is what is my fault and how does declaring me schizophrenic sum up or solve what’s my fault or assist in what interpretation of what is sick and what is by me or accuse me of having voices that are not me make fun of who I am inside. And call me sick to watch me tell everyone I’m sick and then be rejected and sued is suffering thought deserved and sometimes things won’t go right until people are rewarded for making the right decisions while continuing to punish me for what I look like and sound like no it’s not to late to say this diagnosis is threatening and scary and difficult to accept and an unnecessary result of reporting symptoms or describing my experiences is how I was made fun of. No one respected that voices began after the website was made accused me of making up voices or having voices or carrying voices that sound mean or insult me pretty or reject me obese you can never make everyone happy life is too short to over interpret I assume people are doing their best I don’t have time to complain.
Please Note: I worked hard yesterday, got a new prescription took one pill and did all that coursework on CITI research doing my best to focus on helping President Trump, and figure out a way to explain things in a reassuring way, not be afraid to say out loud the issues conflicting with how Im viewed or what Ive done to help to others, out of my own time and energy thought to make calls and submit statements or ask for permissions to help, instead of being recognized for my interactions with police however forced, not take for granted when I didnt get in trouble, or was helped, and when I was allowed to speak or share concerns or what Im working on, mistake helping as easy misunderstand what FEMA means (it meant taking courses they have courses you can take), so although its too late after something bad happens to explain prevention moving forward, I just need to do a good job of explaining everything I have done well or right at what point in time, and remember every decision made, when I blogged, be proud of the choices Ive made content wise, and be proud of myself or speaking in public, and not let voices be an example of something prompting me to be some place where I cant be attacked by voices, consider being at home a bad place or a a chaos reflective of something Ive done wrong or cant live with. I think if voices mean not coming from others created by me, regardless of my descriptions of the types of voices I get, means to continue to take “responsibility” for my choices and decisions to travel or care introduce myself and being apart o the solution means I allow for everyone to be apart of whats working or working out or everyone, and instead of witnessing all the moments of difficulty or dysfuntion to question what is leading, lets be clear on me being someone who knows what mistakes Ive made in life, has done her best to recover and survive and learn from those mistakes, and was someone who viewed mistakes or something youve done wrong imagined it as being something that you live with or the rest of your life, so its never too late to list everything youve said wrong or how many times you got sick and missed out in life and who that could have harmed or embarrassed, just be glad that I got through it and improved and everyone else has their own lives and success stories in life, and let that be my peace. I cant control my numbers following popularity or court and Im sorry if I ever made places in life look easy or to watch me have a life, and witness things working out or me, and then watch me get sick, struggle in court, and make different choices in life, other than to self-harm. Im sorry that you viewed putting my car in park on my way to work as evidence of me not trusting myself, and Im sorry if you ever questioned what was in me, or accuse me of not making others strong, I think being alone clarifies whats in me is of my own making, and that Im not weakening anyones spirit that my condition doesnt tell something about me disappointing or untrue about me, its about doing my bets no matter how much I change, no matter how quickly I age, no matter how much weight I gain or lose, try to be in control of what happens to me, while being made fun of for describing all those unique moments in life, or trying to work and earn a paid job, its not about me not being proud or on good terms with former employers, its about me not amounting to someone of success or someone others can be proud of and accusing me speaking poorly about anyone. Im sure is the punishment in me ending up worse of, based on how my story was interpreted, is not my job to tell people whats wrong with me, or be someone, I should fear would suffer the same harms or embarrassments in life, sometimes you improve and others are proud of you, and sometimes you improve and get judged as a reflection of others, or criticized as a reflection of what Ive done wrong, and incorporate voices to mean coming from a source you accuse me of offending, misinterpret what Ive done wrong or miscalculate whats wrong with me, to mean Im not a victim, or have voices of a victim who thinks Im this, and that that voice is telling my prescriber Ive done something wrong, and distrust my voice, or my writing, punish me and not allow me to write or read, disable me. So I had a good day and worked hard didnt get to do treadmill, grateful for focusing for 3 hours and reading, put my mind to good use, figure out whats wrong, what can be prevented, and not consider losses in faith in me, or listing what Ive said wrong too late to figure out “whats unforgivebale” or excuse or voices or to allow me to experience others taking their anger out on me, accuse me of being jaded, or not chaste, waiting to date, getting fit, doing my best, mistake modeling or seeing my body as not hard work professional, unforgiving of whats distasteful or use as excuse one shared experience with bullying after so many positive experiences, think that my advice is poor or a bad example, or accuse me of not being innocent or guilty, then not respectful of the challenges faced by bullying to stay away from women and girls, and have difficulty being social, so Ive not become an offender who is unpredictable doesnt trust myself or capable of harming anyone, and I dont have the time and energy to question what I look like now and what that prevents, all that matters is that I worked hard, I got to talk with friends, I could date, and lost everything. Whats gone wrong in terms of this post and my Instagram, is not sleeping, didnt make it to a meeting, didnt feel good I worked hard took meds, and wrote more and didnt sleep, and to consider what I have written after working hard, punish me for taking an extra pill and not sleeping or not being appreciative of my content without sleep on an extra pill, consider this to be whats wrong with me, and consider this type of writing to mean Im abusing meds or pills, to say my writing doesnt make sense or isnt helping me to write and focus on the negatives until its clear about what I have to accept and what that means and do my best whether I have information or quotes or interactions to share and report, I need to be in control of what I have to say, thats who the Judge sees or hears from thats who people see, these are problems no one else has, and too complicated to discuss in AA or make fun of what Im like on less meds with voices, make fun of my reactions when my head hurts or things are too much. If couldnt accept not writing, or stopping myself from writing not concerned with me wasting energy or making mistakes sounding worse and worse in public unstable, then Im sure taking pills, being sober and continuing to write past stopping points is to accuse me of refusing to write, I think I did my best, Im sorry there isnt a good enough log or my day to day symptoms, Im doing my best. Please accept decisions to be alone, its not about me, its about why am I being punished, whats in my head, whats the joke, what did I overcome, who hurt me, and whats wrong with me, and whether I recognize what Ive done wrong. The issue is clear to not love anyone for the rest of my life, and to not open up in private or allow people to make decisions for me reading my story or reading my resume or my writings, decide what I have done wrong punish me. Isnt my choice what people think, it is my life that matters, getting older isnt the lesson on being too late and taking a look around and now Im fat and make fun of me as not hot, Im not a catfish, Im a real person, and I dont need to prove my value or effect, luck, or be considered the loser or not someone winning in life, bringing anyone else down in life, its best that I be alone, get well on my own, and come up with a new system of staying well, that doesnt involve being punished, accuse me of being someone that jumps around, a schizophrenic rebound joke, I dont have to move on, until Im well, and its clear my life is good enough and I dont sound promising enough that its clear or a sign or energy others can tell my worth not knowing me, consider me being fat as whats wrong with my pictures. Then Im never modeling again, and you can remember all you want everything that eevryone else said, and let that be your code, and to discontinue to talking to everyone, so long as Im punished as someone who cant tell whats wrong with me, let alone others, make fun of what being known is, doesnt mean I cant be punished or immune, its about me being fat and ugly and not recognized as someone fit or someone to be proud of.
